All About Me

I’m not that special or significant. There’s nothing that I can do which the others can’t. I’m the type of person you would easily overlook if I was standing among attractive people; I’m nothing out of the ordinary. An existence that is more cursed than praised; loathsome; starving for attention. Waiting. Anticipating a wild curiosity, an inquisitive mind and soul that contains in itself the power and audacity to read this capricious secret diary of a heart. For someone to see this vacillating nature, a nerve wrecking contradiction of a girl. For a heart to expel my miseries into, and all of my love alike. Something that can let me drain all my forebodings into it and still grasp me tight with assurance; that which has the most glorious eyes, for I’ll know by those windows that I can plunge relentlessly into the heart. To let someone be the holder of my filthy living and still bear with all I am.

That is what I want.

For right now, I’m a moribund existence; the sad ending of a tragic life story.


A Summation of Experience

Dear-most human,

I know that you are broken in a certain way- the way that is unique to you. But the fact that you’re wounded or scarred is only a very beautiful proof that you’re existing. Existing as a human being. Your soul is an embodiment of perfection; that is why it has the ability to transcend above these everyday nuances. In this life, however, in this phase of existence, your humanly body is the vessel for the shapeless wanderer, the soul; where it is trapped, governed by ordinance, suffering the implications of humanly actions and experiencing terrestrial life.

Your flawless soul came back to this earth as you; to be imperfect, messed up, experience a rainbow of emotions from love to disappointment, to be hurt, to feel pain and all it implicates and learn all it can as this one individual that is you.
You were chosen for the purpose of being a vessel and contributing to the soul in you. It can’t be all at once, but since it is you, it hopes to wander as an earthly being, to learn everything it can from this life. It wants to know and feel- it will love, ever so deeply and irresistibly, but pain will  follow and it is irrefutable. It will dream and aspire, fail miserably and learn to stand back up. Your flaws, your shortcomings; the beautiful ways in which you’re broken, the mess of a heart and the chaos of your mind, your raging atrocities- despite all these things, you are you and they make you. They build up to your individuality.
They contribute to your wholeness.

Appreciate not perfection, for you will attain it eventually; but your wholeness, your imperfection. The way every little thing about you, big or small, good or bad, counts up to who you are. You are human, and henceforth transient- you came here to learn, to grow, and eventually leave this earthly existence. Being broken or hurt have a part to play in your wholeness. A very significant one, I’d rather say. Just the same way being happy and satisfied does.
Appreciate your existence, comfort all your discomforts, paint your scars, watch your wounds bleed, help them heal, fall in love, let all the butterflies in your stomach fly, feel the rush of being alive, look beyond your walls, break routine, ditch normality and love yourself for being who you are.

There’s no one like you.

Sound of the Rain

The soft pitter patter of the raindrops on the leaves; falling down from the skies,
Just like me, and the tears that stream down my eyes;

The sensation of chilled water on my palms,
I’m wrapped up in my thoughts, missing your arms;

The roaring thunder, causing miseries in the sky,
I’m glad for the downpour, now you won’t see me cry;

Drenched and worn out, walking alone,
Petrichor filled in my lungs bt I miss the scent of your cologne;

Those sounds as the leaves shed the last drops of dew,
Like a whisper,
I battle my heart and mind,
and find myself
thinking of you.

[Took this shot at 9:55pm exactly when the thunder hit the sky.]
Timing is essential.

A Message

If you truly love someone, let them go; for if they return, they were always yours. And if the don’t, they never were.

-Khalil Gibran

Misunderstanding is the biggest gap two people can possess between them. Nothing’s worse than this. It stems from lack of communication and leads to assumptions; pulling away two people so much that they can’t reach back for each other even if they want to.

It so happened with me once; I failed to communicate how much I valued someone; how much they mattered to me and how much I couldn’t do without them. I couldn’t show how much I cared or loved, and we grew apart, more and more each passing day. It felt like forever then, and I could have sworn back then that we would never be in the kind of  situation we are today. It was my fault, I won’t hesitate to say, and it’s one thing I regret the most in my life. It was me who let go, and it’s me who’s still waiting for them to return.

Value people who are close to you. Love them. Don’t just say it, SHOW THEM you love them. Shower on them all your love and care. Everyone is hurt in a different way, and to show someone you care will never go waste. If you love someone, tell them. They might be here today, but they could be gone tomorrow. Nothing in this world is permanent, nothing is forever. Everything has to end one day. But it’s up to YOU to make sure that when it ends, it ends well and you don’t regret it.

It is shattering to realize you could never be able to make up for someone who values so much to you, for it is now too late. The realization that there was an assumption; that it would be so easy for them to let you go, completely ruins you. So much time, so many years, and this is how it ends like? The perils of presumption. After it’s all said and done, you’re still hurting. Inevitably.

So, the person I lost, if you’re reading this today, all I’m going to say is that even though I know I’m not that important in your life anymore, and that my place has been filled; you’ve left a void in my heart- a place no one can secure, but you. If it makes any difference to you, I’ve been waiting. Come back.

Hope. Pray. Breed Misery.

But in the end, after all the emotional trauma, when you’re frustrated and crying, nothing can rid you off your miseries. Even after a long hot bath, you still feel dirty, inside and outside alike, and it seems like nothing you’re going to do will change it. You detest yourself till you come to self harm- when you physically torture yourself to compensate with the mental pressure; it’s just to much to take at one go. You feel so much, even if you don’t want to. You can’t run away now; you’re in the middle of this. You’re the one who sparked the fire. the one who caused this. There’s no running away. Even if there was, you’d be a coward. You are a coward to be in the middle of all this and feel that way. Hopelessly wishing you could do something to change things. But you can’t. Because you’re weak. You can’t afford to hurt people you love. You can’t afford to lose them because they’re the only reason you’re hanging onto your life. So you pray to dear lord, if he exists, that situations change, the circumstances turn over for the better. You hope. You pray. You breed misery.

Another Year End Blog Post

As the year ended, it felt like nothing was going right. As if everything was coming back at me- taking revenge on me for any past sins I might have committed. I wasn’t exactly sad, but I wasn’t very happy either. Happiness is a choice, rather a pursuit; and with the ongoing circumstances, my inclination towards the pursuit of happiness was next to none.

It came coming back to me- all the memories; the crests and valleys- things that went wrong; things that shouldn’t have happened; incidents that could have happened differently; my life would be different now if they did…
But what’s done is done. It can’t be undone. So I accepted my wrongs and my loses. Embraced them and hoped for them to bring a change in me. A change to make me better.

For me, New Year’s eve was just another befalling night, bringing forth darkness with only the moon in the sky to seek light from; with the stars hidden beneath the city ‘s clouds of dust and smoke but most likely shining as perfectly behind them, a midst all the haunting darkness. Nothing special. Just another night, and the next morning onwards, I’ll see the date change to 2015.

How 2014 passed, will be wiped out of my memory in some years, however a few distinct parts of it- instances that left a deep imprint on my heart and soul alike, either negatively or positively, will forever remain in the deep trenches of my mind- hiding inconspicuously, like a lion in the bushes, only to come out and pound on me if the need arises. I’ll remember words; those that pricked me then, and those that backfired on me. I’ll remember faces of people; the ones who came, formed an unbreakable bond, influenced me in great ways, and most importantly, stayed; of those, who drifted apart- like the string of a balloon that you failed to catch grab of, and now it’s sailing with the wind…

Good experiences or bad, I learnt from all of them. A little bit more from the bad ones, I’d say. But apart from this, my wrongs have come to haunt me- like ghosts in a closet- I can’t see them but for me they’re there. Maybe I’m imagining, maybe their sheer existence is an interplay of my fears, fantasies and imaginations; whichever the case, I know they’re there, and I know I’m scared enough to whisk away. On the other side, a part of me demands myself to take that one step that could change things, at length, for me and everyone else. To face and finish. But its easier said than done. So I make safe attempts, beat around the bush and hope and pray that the devil unveils itself so I don’t have to take a dig at it.

For all I know, I can conjure up to say that this year, I gained one and lost one. As if grasping a rose. I have it in my hands; the beautiful petals, bright red, portray so much love. They’re dripping with flattery. I’m abundant- so full and happy that I own it. Its a plus for me, because every time I hold it, it surrounds me with its hypnotizing scent and makes me forget all my troubles.
At the same time, the thorns prick my skin and I see blood oozing out. Bright red, too. They hurt me, I endure. I try to accommodate myself to them, for I deserve this and I must have caused enough hurt to somebody for it to come back to me. For it to prick me.

Irrespective of everything, I’ve always tried to stick with the motive. Spread positive vibes. Happiness. Smiles. Be grateful for all the good things that happened to me. I’m not sure if I could succeed, but I’m sure I did my best and will continue to. This world is running low on love, and if anything, I don’t want to be the reason anybody’s hurt. So maybe I’ll delegate 2015 as an year to make amends. To try and change. Maybe let go.

Maybe remember all the beautiful moments of 2014 over the bad ones.
Maybe look back and smile.


Like the sun that rises after a long night,
A shade of bright orchid, bringing forth the light;

A girl of sixteen, who’s calm like the sea;
Quiet like the wintry nights,
She’d never felt so free;

Until he came in like the wind,
And took her away from herself;
Made her into the best that she could be,
Someone she was, the most happy to be.

Like the sun that rises after a long night,
A shade of bright orchid, bringing forth the light;
He gave away life to everything that breathes,
And fortunately love, to that girl of sixteen.

Sinfully magical is what he’ll always be,
He gave her wings, set her free;
She was spellbound, as lyrical as she could be,
Her heart lit by the fire of love,
As much as it could be.

Never felt so many feelings before,
She was drowning in her emotions, to the core;
Used to cry about life, and lived in a world of strife,
But when he came, she started to love it more.

Like the beautiful breeze that tells you winter’s here,
His thoughts would keep her warm she knew;
A gentle wind ruffles her hair;
And she smiles when she thinks of him,
Wondering, if he cares.

Of course he did, she saw his lips curve into a smile,
She couldn’t take her eyes off him,
So she decided to stare awhile;
So did he, as he returned the gaze,
Then they poured out the words of love,
Hearts ablaze;

And that was when they realized they loved each other,
That was when she knew he was her’s to keep-