The Best of Ilusions

tonight
I’m awake
connecting stars
to make constellations
I fathomed you’d name after me;
missing you like
I wish you would someday
miss me.
Hoping,
on the darkest of days
when nothing feels right
you would sit with me
under the dim light
of those very stars
and chant my name like gospel
holding my ghost hand,
restless to have me back
like wishing upon a star
that is no longer there.

-on how staying awake too long leads to the best of illusions. From a note to you I’ll never write.

Advertisements

A list

written out, in my typical
blue ball point on a ruled sheet,
folded and tucked,
somewhere towards the end of my diary;
three hard copies and one
irrevocably imprinted in my heart,
every last word drilled into memory.
lurking there at the bottom of my bag,
and other times, clinging around
for support in my consciousness,
but always with me.
with me, everywhere I go;
although, I stopped needing it long ago;
lost between water breaks and
lunch bites grabbed in seconds
before I miss my last train,
existing but invisible, underneath
every dressed up remark I made
on learning, loving and letting go,
hiding somewhere under the tables,
between the trees,
gaping at me;
from under masks of
awkwardness, hesitation,
and my tongue tripping over my own words,
forgotten with love songs filling up the space
where words need to be;
ignored through busy evenings,
your endless appetite for small talk
and my inability to bring it out,
and let you see;
how it sits heavy,
no matter where I keep it,
and weighs down my heart
with every moment that passes
that I don’t hand it-
out, to you.

-A list of questions I have for you.

Story #29: Being A Teenager (The Anonymous Anecdotes Project)

Teenager: College, Studies, Friends, Relationships and what else?

Being a teenager, a college student, I was so excited about my new “college ” life. There I met a guy, and after a few months, we fell for each other (apparently) and got together. We went out for around 7-8 months. I was totally into that guy, always being a girl who lives in a dream world of having a perfect life , a perfect partner to be with for the whole life. But, maybe he was not even sure what he was doing. 

One day, he left. For some anonymous and a bit absurd reasons. I was shattered to the core that I didn’t want to get into this “relationship” thing ever again. 

I never met him again. After sometime I really didn’t even want to. But even after whatever he did to me, there is this one very important lesson which he taught me, and I am very thankful that he came into my life; “First, learn to love yourself” which he always did. I was so much into him, that I forgot how to live my own life. I thought that he was all I had. But no, you have a lot more to do than just getting into a relationship at this stage. Learn to prioritise. 

We talked about “What else?” in the beginning, it’s your Career, your Dreams which you need to achieve and fulfil.

I did believe in love, I do believe now. Presently, I am with someone, but now I have learnt how to live my life on my own terms and not handover my key to happiness to someone else. People do fall in love, people do live together but everyone has their own life too which you need to make a priority for yourself.

Your life has just begun. Enjoy. Work hard. Dream. Fall in love. But first, with yourself. 
From my personal view, I am a completely changed person from what I used to be a year ago, and honestly, I’m lovin’ it!


Adulthood brings us many new experiences, and with those new experiences, inevitably, a lot of learning. From school to college, from love to heartbreak, from success to failures we come across countless situations that test us, let us down and/or reward us, and entangled in these situations are the learnings of life.

Growth occurs with experience. We learn to love, but rarely love ourselves.

I think the one thing from this story that stands out the most, for me, is when she writes, “…But now I have learnt how to live my life on my own terms and not handover my key to happiness to someone else.” I think this sentence is the key to a happy life. Do not hand over your remote control to anyone; otherwise, it would be too easy for them to change you, manipulate you and maybe even hurt you. Do not hand over your permanent feelings to temporary people. 

-:-

(The Anonymous Anecdotes is a project under which anyone can send me a memory, a story or an experience from their life that had a profound impact on them. It requires people to write their respective experience along with the way it changed them or their perception of life. According to the project, these stories are being published anonymously, with the intent of spreading a positive message and a hope that anyone who reads, relates or learns. If you’re interested, you can send me your story at ratti.priya5@gmail.com.)

Story #25: You Are Not Alone (The Anonymous Anecdotes Project)

You are not alone.

This is a place filled with numerous characters and you are one of them. If it’s hurting today then may be it’s a day’s requirement so that you can come across that role. There are people who know that you are a great actor but still they try to make it difficult so that you can come up with a whole new way to save your soul.

Just realize that you are not alone; someone is there who cares but does not show it in front of you so that you can act mature. Someone who loves you but is afraid to lose you. Someone who looks up to you as you have achieved what they wanted to. That someone is always there whose life will be affected by you its just you have to realize that you are not alone; that thinking of loneliness, anxiety and pressure which leads to depression is just a matter of time if you start appreciating the life and make it worth living than all you have is living life king size.

The road may be difficult and you may require some chances to conquer but it doesn’t matter if you know that it will lead you to a successful life and if those disheartened moments will sooner be read as some stories of disguise. You have your parents, family and friends who will always guide you when you require; don’t take it as a burden, just listen and take what you require. Start working and start socialising.

That work will make you worth living and socializing will lead you to a better home & living environment around you. If you are afraid of love and togetherness then there is animals you can adopt and live with. Nature, gods biggest gift to mankind, those hilly areas, rivers, those places which bring so much calm to the heart, go out and fall in love with them.

Just try to do what your heart wants because there is always something which will love you back if you take a first step .
So you are not alone if you don’t want to or force yourself to.


“…There is always something which will love you back if you take the first step.” I had goosebumps while reading this line!

I think this post, these exact words are what we need today. Each one of us teenagers who’re somewhere or the other lost because of a setback. We have our own notions of love, and our unique pain when we suffer from a loss, or a heartbreak. But how do we deal with what comes after? We realise that we are not alone.

We learn to fall in love again; with something or the other, and sometimes, even with ourselves. This post is a story, a learning and an after note in itself. So I will just reinforce the things that have impacted me the most: Always have faith; believe that someone has your back, every step of the way. Fall in love. You are not alone. 

-:-

(The Anonymous Anecdotes is a project under which anyone can send me a memory, a story or an experience from their life that had a profound impact on them. It requires people to write their respective experience along with the way it changed them or their perception of life. According to the project, these stories are being published anonymously, with the intent of spreading a positive message and a hope that anyone who reads, relates or learns. If you’re interested, you can send me your story at ratti.priya5@gmail.com.)

Story #24: The Last Time He Was In My House (The Anonymous Anecdotes Project)

The story is about my family. My dad is a patient of Bipolar Disorder. For those who don’t know what it is: it is a manic or depression phase that may last week or months.

I don’t know why but whenever this happens my dad usually indulges in a fight with my mom or sometimes with my sister or with me and I have been seeing it for a long time. When I was a kid I remember we had to stay at our my mother’s house for a while so that my dad doesn’t hit my mom again. My mom is a strong woman and a single earning parent too. My dad hasn’t really been my dad neither mentally or financially. My mom is a home tutor and she has been managing all the things, all of our expenses except our school fees that is managed by our father brother’s but other than that all of is done my mom. We have been living like for past 20 years but this year something unusual happened in the month of March.

My dad was hospitalised for sugar but after he came home something happened which changed our lives completely and I can’t get over it. I’d just left for college when it happened. I have dog and he is 6 years old and we all love him more than anything in the world. I don’t know about my dad but he doesn’t hate him either. My dog was trying to sit next to my father when my dad punched him right next to his ribs and started crying. My sister couldn’t control her anger and she hit my dad really badly; I know that was wrong of her to hit her dad like that but he really hasn’t been our dad since the starting and we don’t have that kind of affection for our father like we have for our mom or our dog.

But what my dad did was something that no father would do to his daughter. He grabbed my sister by her hair, pushed her down and started hitting her. My mom tried to stop him but she couldn’t; he punched her at least a 100 times. She immediately called the police. My dad left for his shop and that was the last time he was in my house.

We realized that when we were kids my dad hit my mom and we could’t do anything as we were kids. But now, my sister 23 and I, 20 decided that we couldn’t live with our dad anymore. My sister and I immediately went to out father’s elder brother and told him that we wouldn’t let him enter the house. My dad didn’t come but another one of his elder brothers called us atleast 20 times that day so as to convince us to take him home for once. But we could’t take the risk because when he left the house he’d told us that he would kill our dog and we were afraid of that.

My father has a big family and at least 10 brothers and 2 sisters but not one of them called and asked about my sister. All of them were only trying to convince us to let him enter the house once but we knew that once he entered he was not going to leave. I was very angry on my dad. I couldn’t control my anger. I wanted to beat my father but we didn’t see him for a week or two. The thing was that no one knew about the thing which my sister did- we didn’t tell anyone about that except my mother’s younger brother and his wife. My dad called all of my mother’s family and all he did was say shit like how much your sister would take to leave my house, abuses against my family and a lot of shit. He didn’t even have a single drop of tear; all he wanted to have the house to him and wasn’t sorry at all.

He came back once after 2 weeks, but I guess he didn’t even say sorry at that time. He only came because his elder brother had convinced him to go but we didn’t let him enter then. His brother came and tried to convince but my mother, my sister and I didn’t listen to him. We gave his things to his brother and our father left.

Seeing him go like that made me think that I should go and get him back but I didn’t. My father is now living at our relatives’ house but on a different floor. He gets food, electricity and water but there is no one to talk to him. There is no AC or cooler; maybe not even a bed. Not that I know of, but these things don’t let me sleep.

It has been 3 months and there hasn’t been a single night when I’m able to sleep before 3 or 4 am. All night I think I’m here sleeping in my comfort with a bed, AC and my father has nothing and this thought rolls in my mind over and over again. Sometimes I feel I should get my dad back but I don’t know what I should do. Should I talk to someone about it in my family or not? My family would never be a complete family even if my dad comes back, he always have been a just another person in my family. We don’t love him that much and neither does he loves us but still biologically he is my dad. I somewhere also think that my sister was wrong and that I should get back my father . That is all I wanted share right now.


We come into this world, and spend the maximum amount of time of our lives with our family: no, not the extended one, but the three people in your life that stick with you through thick and thin. The people who have seen you grow and become what you are today. Your parents, and maybe, a sibling.

These are the people who mean the world to us, and when things don’t turn out well with them, nothing feels alright anymore.

I believe what I have drawn from this is to not let go; sometimes as we suffer because of somebody else, all we really see is the pain that we are going through at that time. What we don’t see is the internal battle that person must’ve been going through; perhaps a problem unique to them that is the root of their behaviour (in this case, bipolar disorder.) Maybe I’m saying this because my inherent psychologist is surfacing. I don’t know. I just think empathy is important, but not at the cost of someone’s self respect. 

-:-

(The Anonymous Anecdotes is a project under which anyone can send me a memory, a story or an experience from their life that had a profound impact on them. It requires people to write their respective experience along with the way it changed them or their perception of life. According to the project, these stories are being published anonymously, with the intent of spreading a positive message and a hope that anyone who reads, relates or learns. If you’re interested, you can send me your story at ratti.priya5@gmail.com.)

Story #21: Was He Even There? (The Anonymous Anecdotes Project)

Was he even there?
Was that a commitment?

Or maybe, his attempt to come out of something, something even more disastrous in his past. Or maybe, he really meant what he said when he held my hands.

I suppose it was his convenience of not being able to stay alone for quite sometime. If he had really wanted me to stay, stay where I found my home, he would have cared enough for my fears, my dark and my pain, my worst and my all. He was aware of the dark, the grays and the blues but always expected the spring of me. He, who said he won’t leave, had left because now he realizes the world shall shower spring upon him but not me.  The whirl of wind and darkness are heavier than any armor. The dreamer in me did not stop loving him. I just stopped putting it up into my sleeve and making one last effort, every time when it’s the last time.

I already knew why it was necessary to give up on humans, friends and the dearest of friends but wasn’t able to do it any time but now I am trying to figure out how to give up on emotions. They tend to incapacitate you from applying your senses, basic logic in your dark times and leave you shattered with every drop of hope, expecting, imagining, venting yet hoping that this time if he’ll return, he’ll return with no part of him belonging to his past.


Sometimes when people love us, they unconsciously place us within the bounds of terms that are impossible for us to reach; these terms make love hard, and carve out vacuums in relationships where heartbreaks are born.

Love does incapacitate you, but it is beautiful at the same time, in the sense that you fight, you disagree, yet you still work towards an agreement. That is love. Anything that does not require effort is practically a joke. 

So don’t be afraid of walking away from anything that does not give you happiness; let go of expectations to live a happy life; and most importantly, let emotions only so close as to let them wash your feet, not drown you. 

-:-

(The Anonymous Anecdotes is a project under which anyone can send me a memory, a story or an experience from their life that had a profound impact on them. It requires people to write their respective experience along with the way it changed them or their perception of life. According to the project, these stories are being published anonymously, with the intent of spreading a positive message and a hope that anyone who reads, relates or learns. If you’re interested, you can send me your story at ratti.priya5@gmail.com.)

Story #20: Words I’ll Never Speak To Anyone (The Anonymous Anecdotes Project)

It maim so bad I just want either to talon out of my brain or pick and peel at my skin until I can uncover some emotion within.

It’s 5 am. There’s no sleep in my future, no release after consuming 80 mg of vyvanse and a few gallons of caffeine to study for exams. When your brain is this hyper-focused, it doesn’t take much to start thinking about the pile of bullshit that you are. It won’t shut off, it won’t ever.

Being this self-reliant and self-serving takes a toll on relationships. For a while, people think you’re just a free spirit. Eventually, they understand you’re just an emotionless block of ice. I can’t open up to anyone. It’s like I won’t let myself care for someone too deeply because I want to save myself from being hurt or scared or abandoned or used, treated right, appreciated, loved, counted on.

My fingernails are bitten to the quick.
All I want is for it to shut off.
All I want is to shut off.

Is being alone worth being unbroken? Or is being alone more detrimental? Any damage done is all self-infliction, the most shameful brand of injury.

It’s great at first. Being on your own. You are your own best friend, your own protector. For a few years, you’re confident in yourself and people like you. You laugh more; why not when you are the creator of your own happiness? She doesn’t care what people think. But then, she’s unreachable; she’s like a star that’s burning just a little too far away. Still dazzling, yet just out of reach. Just when you think you’re getting close, when you think you have her in your viewfinder, the clouds roll in. The thing about stars… The brighter they shine, the hotter they burn.

You can pretend all you want; you can put on a show for yourself and the rest of the world that everything is smooth sailing. Eventually, you either are going to drown in the facade or you let yourself be rescued.

These are words I’ll never speak to anyone. They would never come out. There’s going to be a day where I give up; I’ll throw all my hopes of actually being happy and confident and loving someone right down a wishing well. It will be bad for a while; there will be a lot of booze, strange men, and little self respect. I’ll finally treat myself like the empty shell I made myself.

One day, when it’s time to settle down, I’ll find a nice, successful man but not start a family. I’ll continue to smile always and care for my own, but by then I’ll be nothing. I will be another empty soul suffering through daily life because that’s what strong, respectable people do. My kids will grow up like me, non existential : good neighborhood, the means to be successful, plenty of attention, but with the detached love of a mother who really isn’t a person anymore.

Broken people always live the longest, most cruel lives. People of my kind are too proud to end it all, even when they are the burden.  I’ll live in a nice home somewhere warm, somewhere sunny. I’ll take my breakfast facing the west to watch the sunrise. Dinner, the east for the sunset. Watching the sun paint each and every day, wondering which one might be my last.


I find this piece written out so beautifully, laid out like a rhythm my ears are growing fond of, yet it is impossible to ignore the pain lying latent beneath these words. This isn’t an anecdote: this is an account, a converging point for the authors’ past, present and future. Its again one of those stories, I think, that has too many lessons to teach, and a different meaning every time you read it. You can’t gulp it down in one read, no. 

I, for one, read it several times and couldn’t help but relate. I just realized how I could relate to some or the other element in every story- it’s funny how we all experience almost the same things; the same kind of pain, only  dressed differently.

From the need to be self-reliant, to eventually throwing all our hopes down a wishing well; from sleepless nights to nightmares about the future, we’ve somewhere experienced each one of these things.  We all have things that give us pain, experiences that weaken us; for most people it is a battle with their own selves. What makes the difference is how you fight it, and if you give your weaknesses enough power to win or lose. 

-:-

(The Anonymous Anecdotes is a project under which anyone can send me a memory, a story or an experience from their life that had a profound impact on them. It requires people to write their respective experience along with the way it changed them or their perception of life. According to the project, these stories are being published anonymously, with the intent of spreading a positive message and a hope that anyone who reads, relates or learns. If you’re interested, you can send me your story at ratti.priya5@gmail.com.)