Sound of the Rain

The soft pitter patter of the raindrops on the leaves; falling down from the skies,
Just like me, and the tears that stream down my eyes;

The sensation of chilled water on my palms,
I’m wrapped up in my thoughts, missing your arms;

The roaring thunder, causing miseries in the sky,
I’m glad for the downpour, now you won’t see me cry;

Drenched and worn out, walking alone,
Petrichor filled in my lungs bt I miss the scent of your cologne;

Those sounds as the leaves shed the last drops of dew,
Like a whisper,
I battle my heart and mind,
and find myself
thinking of you.

[Took this shot at 9:55pm exactly when the thunder hit the sky.]
Timing is essential.

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A Message

If you truly love someone, let them go; for if they return, they were always yours. And if the don’t, they never were.

-Khalil Gibran

Misunderstanding is the biggest gap two people can possess between them. Nothing’s worse than this. It stems from lack of communication and leads to assumptions; pulling away two people so much that they can’t reach back for each other even if they want to.

It so happened with me once; I failed to communicate how much I valued someone; how much they mattered to me and how much I couldn’t do without them. I couldn’t show how much I cared or loved, and we grew apart, more and more each passing day. It felt like forever then, and I could have sworn back then that we would never be in the kind of  situation we are today. It was my fault, I won’t hesitate to say, and it’s one thing I regret the most in my life. It was me who let go, and it’s me who’s still waiting for them to return.

Value people who are close to you. Love them. Don’t just say it, SHOW THEM you love them. Shower on them all your love and care. Everyone is hurt in a different way, and to show someone you care will never go waste. If you love someone, tell them. They might be here today, but they could be gone tomorrow. Nothing in this world is permanent, nothing is forever. Everything has to end one day. But it’s up to YOU to make sure that when it ends, it ends well and you don’t regret it.

It is shattering to realize you could never be able to make up for someone who values so much to you, for it is now too late. The realization that there was an assumption; that it would be so easy for them to let you go, completely ruins you. So much time, so many years, and this is how it ends like? The perils of presumption. After it’s all said and done, you’re still hurting. Inevitably.

So, the person I lost, if you’re reading this today, all I’m going to say is that even though I know I’m not that important in your life anymore, and that my place has been filled; you’ve left a void in my heart- a place no one can secure, but you. If it makes any difference to you, I’ve been waiting. Come back.

Hope. Pray. Breed Misery.

But in the end, after all the emotional trauma, when you’re frustrated and crying, nothing can rid you off your miseries. Even after a long hot bath, you still feel dirty, inside and outside alike, and it seems like nothing you’re going to do will change it. You detest yourself till you come to self harm- when you physically torture yourself to compensate with the mental pressure; it’s just to much to take at one go. You feel so much, even if you don’t want to. You can’t run away now; you’re in the middle of this. You’re the one who sparked the fire. the one who caused this. There’s no running away. Even if there was, you’d be a coward. You are a coward to be in the middle of all this and feel that way. Hopelessly wishing you could do something to change things. But you can’t. Because you’re weak. You can’t afford to hurt people you love. You can’t afford to lose them because they’re the only reason you’re hanging onto your life. So you pray to dear lord, if he exists, that situations change, the circumstances turn over for the better. You hope. You pray. You breed misery.

Outburst

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who’s wrong. There’s always this urge in me to validate the legitimacy of the love people have for me. To always ask, why they chose to stick with something so simple, so mundane; something that can never fulfill her own expectations, lest those of the others. It always confuses me as to why I’m loved, or is it true afterall? I fail to understand the reason or if at all the sentiments shown towards me are true or not.

I’ve had people failing me in relationships, lying, taking me as someone just to joke around with. Probably that’s what I am. Just a loner who deserves nothing but isolation. I’m already isolated enough. Maybe because yes, I’m a loser in every possible sense- and I’ve never stood up for anything. I’m just there. Exisitng. Because life feels meaningless. Hopeless. Motiveless.

What’s the use of living when you’ve nothing to strife for? Nothing to keep you going? Zero support or love. I feel alone, all the time, yet I can’t let my guard down with anyone, because I feel that if I do, someone will take advantage of my weaknesses, And I can’t let that happen. No matter what. I’ve taken enough shit and now I’m brimming with it. Someday it will all come out with so much pressure, I fear my heart will explode. Every moment these days, I feel vulnerable. On edge. Anything sets me off. With or without reason.

I can’t handle it. Maybe I’ve reached my breaking point. Maybe that’s all that I’d ever be able to take. Tears refuse to stop streaming down my eyes as I type this. I can’t control my fears and emotions anymore. I’m so filled with disgust and I feel so hollow right now. Empty. As if I never felt anything; as if I’m never going to feel anything. The calm that comes with numbness. But I know when the numb spell breaks, it’s gonna land me up in more pain than I’d ever be able to take.

Another Year End Blog Post

As the year ended, it felt like nothing was going right. As if everything was coming back at me- taking revenge on me for any past sins I might have committed. I wasn’t exactly sad, but I wasn’t very happy either. Happiness is a choice, rather a pursuit; and with the ongoing circumstances, my inclination towards the pursuit of happiness was next to none.

It came coming back to me- all the memories; the crests and valleys- things that went wrong; things that shouldn’t have happened; incidents that could have happened differently; my life would be different now if they did…
But what’s done is done. It can’t be undone. So I accepted my wrongs and my loses. Embraced them and hoped for them to bring a change in me. A change to make me better.

For me, New Year’s eve was just another befalling night, bringing forth darkness with only the moon in the sky to seek light from; with the stars hidden beneath the city ‘s clouds of dust and smoke but most likely shining as perfectly behind them, a midst all the haunting darkness. Nothing special. Just another night, and the next morning onwards, I’ll see the date change to 2015.

How 2014 passed, will be wiped out of my memory in some years, however a few distinct parts of it- instances that left a deep imprint on my heart and soul alike, either negatively or positively, will forever remain in the deep trenches of my mind- hiding inconspicuously, like a lion in the bushes, only to come out and pound on me if the need arises. I’ll remember words; those that pricked me then, and those that backfired on me. I’ll remember faces of people; the ones who came, formed an unbreakable bond, influenced me in great ways, and most importantly, stayed; of those, who drifted apart- like the string of a balloon that you failed to catch grab of, and now it’s sailing with the wind…

Good experiences or bad, I learnt from all of them. A little bit more from the bad ones, I’d say. But apart from this, my wrongs have come to haunt me- like ghosts in a closet- I can’t see them but for me they’re there. Maybe I’m imagining, maybe their sheer existence is an interplay of my fears, fantasies and imaginations; whichever the case, I know they’re there, and I know I’m scared enough to whisk away. On the other side, a part of me demands myself to take that one step that could change things, at length, for me and everyone else. To face and finish. But its easier said than done. So I make safe attempts, beat around the bush and hope and pray that the devil unveils itself so I don’t have to take a dig at it.

For all I know, I can conjure up to say that this year, I gained one and lost one. As if grasping a rose. I have it in my hands; the beautiful petals, bright red, portray so much love. They’re dripping with flattery. I’m abundant- so full and happy that I own it. Its a plus for me, because every time I hold it, it surrounds me with its hypnotizing scent and makes me forget all my troubles.
At the same time, the thorns prick my skin and I see blood oozing out. Bright red, too. They hurt me, I endure. I try to accommodate myself to them, for I deserve this and I must have caused enough hurt to somebody for it to come back to me. For it to prick me.

Irrespective of everything, I’ve always tried to stick with the motive. Spread positive vibes. Happiness. Smiles. Be grateful for all the good things that happened to me. I’m not sure if I could succeed, but I’m sure I did my best and will continue to. This world is running low on love, and if anything, I don’t want to be the reason anybody’s hurt. So maybe I’ll delegate 2015 as an year to make amends. To try and change. Maybe let go.

Maybe remember all the beautiful moments of 2014 over the bad ones.
Maybe look back and smile.

Forever

Like the sun that rises after a long night,
A shade of bright orchid, bringing forth the light;

A girl of sixteen, who’s calm like the sea;
Quiet like the wintry nights,
She’d never felt so free;

Until he came in like the wind,
And took her away from herself;
Made her into the best that she could be,
Someone she was, the most happy to be.

Like the sun that rises after a long night,
A shade of bright orchid, bringing forth the light;
He gave away life to everything that breathes,
And fortunately love, to that girl of sixteen.

Sinfully magical is what he’ll always be,
He gave her wings, set her free;
She was spellbound, as lyrical as she could be,
Her heart lit by the fire of love,
As much as it could be.

Never felt so many feelings before,
She was drowning in her emotions, to the core;
Used to cry about life, and lived in a world of strife,
But when he came, she started to love it more.

Like the beautiful breeze that tells you winter’s here,
His thoughts would keep her warm she knew;
A gentle wind ruffles her hair;
And she smiles when she thinks of him,
Wondering, if he cares.

Of course he did, she saw his lips curve into a smile,
She couldn’t take her eyes off him,
So she decided to stare awhile;
So did he, as he returned the gaze,
Then they poured out the words of love,
Hearts ablaze;

And that was when they realized they loved each other,
That was when she knew he was her’s to keep-

Forever.

Insomnia

Sleep is bliss for some, but-/

Not when you have to cry on your pillow everyday,

Not when you sleep with a heavy heart that’s broken into pieces and filled with guilt still;

Sleep is bliss for some, but-

Not when you have to cry on your pillow everyday,

Not when you sleep with a heavy heart that’s broken into pieces and filled with guilt;

Not when you’re scared of waking up tomorrow again.

Not when you shake with the ice inside you,

even though you’re covered under thick blankets,

Lying there, deprived of will;

the ghost of the same person haunting your thoughts,

Not when you’re eyes and face are filled with water,

but your throat is dry of thirst still.

For all those times when sleep escapes your soul,

And you’re deemed of keeping away-

from all the peace that you can ever get

and all the happiness that may never come back again.

Those are the nights when you feel deprived of love,

Those times of feeling hollowness inside;

You poured all your love to a careless soul,

And hated yourself, the feelings denied.

Your body craves a loving touch,

A warm hand to entwine your fingers with;

A peck on the cheek to assure everything will be alright,

And a hold across your waist, of the strongest grip.

(Sleep is bliss, yes, but not for everyone;

Just except for all those, whose hearts are beating like a broken drum.)