As the year ended, it felt like nothing was going right. As if everything was coming back at me- taking revenge on me for any past sins I might have committed. I wasn’t exactly sad, but I wasn’t very happy either. Happiness is a choice, rather a pursuit; and with the ongoing circumstances, my inclination towards the pursuit of happiness was next to none.
It came coming back to me- all the memories; the crests and valleys- things that went wrong; things that shouldn’t have happened; incidents that could have happened differently; my life would be different now if they did…
But what’s done is done. It can’t be undone. So I accepted my wrongs and my loses. Embraced them and hoped for them to bring a change in me. A change to make me better.
For me, New Year’s eve was just another befalling night, bringing forth darkness with only the moon in the sky to seek light from; with the stars hidden beneath the city ‘s clouds of dust and smoke but most likely shining as perfectly behind them, a midst all the haunting darkness. Nothing special. Just another night, and the next morning onwards, I’ll see the date change to 2015.
How 2014 passed, will be wiped out of my memory in some years, however a few distinct parts of it- instances that left a deep imprint on my heart and soul alike, either negatively or positively, will forever remain in the deep trenches of my mind- hiding inconspicuously, like a lion in the bushes, only to come out and pound on me if the need arises. I’ll remember words; those that pricked me then, and those that backfired on me. I’ll remember faces of people; the ones who came, formed an unbreakable bond, influenced me in great ways, and most importantly, stayed; of those, who drifted apart- like the string of a balloon that you failed to catch grab of, and now it’s sailing with the wind…
Good experiences or bad, I learnt from all of them. A little bit more from the bad ones, I’d say. But apart from this, my wrongs have come to haunt me- like ghosts in a closet- I can’t see them but for me they’re there. Maybe I’m imagining, maybe their sheer existence is an interplay of my fears, fantasies and imaginations; whichever the case, I know they’re there, and I know I’m scared enough to whisk away. On the other side, a part of me demands myself to take that one step that could change things, at length, for me and everyone else. To face and finish. But its easier said than done. So I make safe attempts, beat around the bush and hope and pray that the devil unveils itself so I don’t have to take a dig at it.
For all I know, I can conjure up to say that this year, I gained one and lost one. As if grasping a rose. I have it in my hands; the beautiful petals, bright red, portray so much love. They’re dripping with flattery. I’m abundant- so full and happy that I own it. Its a plus for me, because every time I hold it, it surrounds me with its hypnotizing scent and makes me forget all my troubles.
At the same time, the thorns prick my skin and I see blood oozing out. Bright red, too. They hurt me, I endure. I try to accommodate myself to them, for I deserve this and I must have caused enough hurt to somebody for it to come back to me. For it to prick me.
Irrespective of everything, I’ve always tried to stick with the motive. Spread positive vibes. Happiness. Smiles. Be grateful for all the good things that happened to me. I’m not sure if I could succeed, but I’m sure I did my best and will continue to. This world is running low on love, and if anything, I don’t want to be the reason anybody’s hurt. So maybe I’ll delegate 2015 as an year to make amends. To try and change. Maybe let go.
Maybe remember all the beautiful moments of 2014 over the bad ones.
Maybe look back and smile.